Growing up, I had fierce, seemingly inborn aversion to the idea of eventually becoming a woman. Just being a girl frustrated me. I felt that it was my mission to fight for feminism, to erase the notion that women and men were different and irreconcilable creatures. I fought a desperate mental battle against the idea of difference for years. I had all sorts of bitter notions in my head about "womanhood." Emotional outbursts, wanting babies, loving to cook and living only to take care of others. How boring! How sad, unrewarding, and unappreciated a role! Then I worried: What if women really were better at some things than men? And men than women? It was the most depressing thought in the world for me, to be limited by one's gender. Biological determinism. Curses! I hated the idea of fate, predestination, anything that would prevent me from doing absolutely everything men did. I was afraid of doing a lot of things I was good at for fear they might highlight my traditionally "womanly" talents, which i had been abundantly schooled in as a child. Praise for success at these activities always rubbed me the wrong way.
It took me 30 years to realize this was all ridiculous. In addition, with an unconscious aim toward rebellion against my ever-vigilant teacher/homemaker mother, I had refused to master any of the basic "domestic" tasks necessary to take care of myself. I refused to cook anything more complicated than mac and cheese. I refused to exercise. I didn't stand up straight. I couldn't stand to make plans in advance of one week.
I now realize that not learning how to cook made me more dependent on prepared food and restaurants, or others who could cook. Not thinking about my future made it easy to put everything off and indulge my procrastinating tendencies, and led me to accomplish very little. Limiting my actions by always comparing my interests to ingrained stereotypes of typically male or female activities kept me from doing what made me happy, or even realizing what that might be. I judged my every thought, I had a chip on my shoulder, something to prove.
Reading the Marianne Williamson statement, "Our Deepest Fear," really affected me:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
This was the message i'd been waiting to hear. All the stereotypes are just there to keep us down, to ridicule our interests, to belittle our accomplishments, whatever they may be. Disregard the negative! This blog is about growing up, realizing that none of that stuff I worried about was worth it. It's also a file of things that relate to the domestic sphere I had so long (and self-destructively) neglected. Pay attention to your goals, your interests, your diet, your physical wellbeing, and your home. All these things affect your mood and happiness. This goes for everyone who wants to be self-sufficient, healthy, and self-aware. Neglecting yourself just to prove a point is a waste of life.
Happy new year!
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